This archive report was first published on 9 September 2019.
Published on September 9, 2019, a woman's therapist posed a question that made her pause: whether a man she was dating paid for her meals on their date. Her response, 'Of course,' was met with a skeptical 'hmm' from her therapist, which made her realize that the gesture of a man paying for a date can add a transactional tension to what follows the date.
For most of her dating career, the woman had feigned reaching for her wallet when the check arrived, giving her date time to pay. However, she never insisted on splitting the bill, and men rarely accepted. If they did let her split the bill, it wasn't a deal-breaker, but it was a ding in her mind: 'It was a great date, but he didn't pay.'
Recently, she found herself in a situation where she was paralyzed by etiquette at a fancy restaurant. Her date had asked the bartender for the bill, put his credit card on the bar, and left to use the restroom. While she was alone, the bill arrived, and she stared at it, unsure of what to do. She realized that by offering to split the bill when she had no intention of doing so, she was putting her date in a difficult position.
Her therapist's 'hmm' echoed in her head, along with the phrase 'benevolent sexism,' which she had learned recently. Coined by professors Susan T. Fiske and Peter Glick in a 1996 study, benevolent sexism refers to a man's belief that women require men's protection and support. While this gesture may seem harmless, it can have a downside: it can justify a man's privileged role and lead to women being perceived as ungrateful shrews if they seek power.
Despite the theory that a man paying for dinner is sexist, the woman doesn't think anyone considers the gesture in those terms. In practice, people are too stressed about not doing something awkward on their dates. When asked if they allow men to pay on dates, several women said yes, but with qualifications. One woman saw it as a 'man tax,' while another would cook a nice dinner for her date to balance out the gesture.
The woman's therapist called her out for following the old rule, and she realized that sticking with it is easier than negotiating a new social contract. To break the rule, they need to lay the groundwork by justifying upholding the old rule, outlining situations where it doesn't apply, and calling each other out for following the rule.
