This archive report was first published on 14 July 2019.
It's a common sight in Kenya's urban areas: a group of middle-class men, often in their thirties or sixties, who gather regularly to drink and socialize. They call themselves 'the boys' or 'the professionals,' and they like to think they're above the village drunks who can't hold their liquor. But the truth is, these 'boys' are just as drunk as anyone else, and they're hiding their addiction behind a mask of respectability.
One of the ways to identify a functional drunkard is by their behavior. They like to drink anywhere, anytime, and they see every event as an opportunity to get drunk. Funerals are a favorite, as they see the planning meetings as an excuse to offer libations to themselves. They also have a good 'booze credit' at certain pubs and joints, where they can drink on credit and sort things out when they have money.
Functional drunkards also have a number of other symptoms. They may use lines like 'I don't know how I got home' or 'my car knows its way home,' and they may experience temporary memory losses that mean they can't recall how many times they threw up, peed on themselves, or picked a fight. They may also have issues rising to the occasion or sleeping on the job, but they like to assume they're not as bad as the village walevis.
The surest way to find out whether you or your friend is a functional drunkard is to eavesdrop on what the children, househelp, and watchmen say. If you hear your offspring say 'baba/mama yangu ni mlevi,' then chances are you are. If you hear your watchmen describe you as the 'jamaa wa kuingia asubuhi weekends akiwa amegongesha gari,' then you are a drunkard. Be afraid if you also hear the grapevine chats talking about how you 'love your drink.'
