This archive report was first published on 4 May 2021.
Abuse in relationships is not limited to physical violence. In fact, many abusers are charming and loving, making it difficult for their partners to recognize the signs of abuse.
Confused Girlfriend, who wrote to us about her boyfriend's behavior, is a perfect example. She described how her boyfriend can be perfectly lovely at times, but also does things that are not nice, such as being weird about her spending time with her family and frequently embarrassing her in front of them.
He also gets angry easily and makes her feel like everything is her fault, leaving her constantly on edge anticipating the next outburst. While he has never been physically violent, she has the feeling that he might be one day.
Chris Hart, a Nairobi-based psychotherapist, explains that relationships with abusers often start out exciting and loving, but quickly become controlling and damaging. Abusers may try to cut off their partners from their family and friends, often slowly and subtly, by saying nice-sounding things like 'I want us to spend more time together.'
Other signs of non-physical abuse include a partner who is controlling, wanting to know where you are all the time, and constantly calling, reading your emails, checking your phone, and going through your stuff. They may also try to take over your finances or insist you change your job.
Abusers often throw temper tantrums, yell, insult, or hit their partners, and make them feel like it's all their fault. They may also make their partners feel scared, anxious, or trapped in the relationship, and make excuses for their behavior.
Chris Hart advises that the only way to improve the situation is to get out of the relationship. 'You can't make him better,' he says. 'Only he can stop his abuse, with the help of a good psychologist, but he probably won't agree to see anyone.'
So, if you're in a relationship where you feel like you're walking on eggshells, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate. Don't blame yourself for your partner's behavior – it's not your fault. Get out and seek help from a professional, such as a counselor or therapist.
