This archive report was first published on 10 July 2020.
Married but Single ¶
For many Kenyan women, marriage is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they have a partner to share their life with, but on the other hand, they are often left to handle all the responsibilities of raising a family alone.
Meet Mercy John, a 33-year-old mother of two who describes herself as a married single mother. Her husband of seven years is married only on paper, and he is hardly ever home. When he is, he is inattentive and deems it too much work to play or talk with the children.
‘I have no choice but to do everything by myself,’ she says.
Her husband works hard in real estate and rakes in a tidy sum, but he keeps his paycheck to himself. Julian is forced to pay all the other bills from her much smaller salary, sometimes reaching out to her father for help.
Experts blame low maturity levels for this behavior, arguing that an uninvolved husband may have negative connotations of what being married means.
There is another type of bachelor husband – the one who fulfills his role as provider but refuses to bear the burden of marriage and fatherhood. Rachel G’s husband of six years is one such man. Despite being a father and a husband, he still wants to go out to bars with the boys and stay out late several nights a week.
‘He has refused to grow up,’ Rachel, 28, says.
So, can a woman turn her man from a bachelor to a husband? Since incessant reminders and nagging don’t work, you can try the opposite – articulate your expectations without seeming like you are constantly lecturing.
However, talking may not work with the man with low maturity levels who never made the transition from bachelorhood to husband. For this one, a couple might need professional counseling to help him realise that he is now a man with a family to look after.
QUIZ: Is yours a bachelor husband?
Answer the following questions giving a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer. Think of the answer that best describes your man and how he reacts to situations.
- He comes and goes as he pleases without feeling the need to inform you of his whereabouts.
- You have no idea how much he earns or how he spends his money.
- You only know about major purchases after they have been made.
- He neglects to inform you of a death or illness from his side of the family.
- He can’t handle stress. When under pressure, he turns to addictions like alcohol.
- His career and his friends come before your family.
- He deems child care as a woman’s job.
- He has limited parenting skills.
- He expects you to mother him and accept him unconditionally.
- He is generous in public, but refuses to spend money on you or your children.
- He lives in a virtual world of fantasies.
If your answer to most of these questions is a ‘Yes’, yours is probably a bachelor husband. The good news is that with some work, there is hope of him transitioning into a proper husband.
