WHY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY SHOULD BE ABOLISHED

Gender equality is something I hope never happens because if women and men were ever to be equal it will take all the interest out of shopping. If women hate being seen as sex objects why do they go to such extreme lengths to ensure they are? Okay let’s start at the bottom, er, feet. WOMAN: Uncomfortable open-toed high heels displaying fastidiously manicured nails, painted red of course and devoid of fungus. BLOKE: Thongs with hairy splayed toes.

WOMAN: Clean shaven moisturised legs that appear to go all the way up her armpits with enough flesh showing to drive you nuts. BLOKE: Shorts with huge pockets, revealing hairy calves.

WOMAN: A back bottom that doesn’t fart, with each yummy cheek moving in tantalising reciprocal motion without panty lines. BLOKE: Most of his undies showing and lifts one leg off the ground to let his mates cop an explosive belly-full of flatulence.

WOMAN: A beautifully manicured front bottom with either a cute little landing strip or a “come and get me” Brazilian below a little blue butterfly. BLOKE: An unkempt scrotum attractive only to nits.

WOMAN: A flat little stomach devoid of hair and smothered in a dozen different lotions. BLOKE: A competition as to who has the best beer gut.

WOMAN: Tits to die for with a top displaying an hypnotic cleavage and noticeable, temperature-regulated nipples. BLOKE: Stained Tshirt.

WOMAN: An exquisitely long neck leading to perfectly shaped ears from which diamond pendants dangle. BLOKE: Unshaven double chin.

WOMAN: A mouth with moistened lips that lead a bloke to naughty thoughts... painted red of course to indicate arousal. BLOKE: A cigarette holder.

WOMAN: Sculptured cheek bones brushed with rouge (hmmm, there’s that colour again) and exuding a head-spinning pheramonal fragrance. BLOKE: A fetid beard hiding pimples and blackheads.

WOMAN: Come-to-bed eyes with pastel eyeshadow and long eyelashes that bat better than Bradman. BLOKE: Both still bloodshot from last night.

WOMAN: Silky shampooed hair, framing a beautiful face. BLOKE: It either looks like a pelican nest or is bald.

WOMAN: Flawless spidery fingers tipped with long red nails ready to dig furrows into your back at passion’s peak. BLOKE: Dirty nails.

So it’s got me stuffed why women want equality, haven’t they noticed there is no International Blokes’ Day? Pickering