This archive report was first published on 9 September 2019.
As the saying goes, 'when you live with your parents, you never really grow up.' This is a reality for many couples who have moved in with their parents or grandparents, only to find themselves in a grand collision of sorts.
For Anita from Nairobi's Lang'ata estate, life was good until her mother-in-law moved in to help with babysitting after the birth of her last-born child. However, things took a turn for the worse when the older woman began calling the shots and micromanaging the household.
"She has since taken over the household and quarrels me every now and then over how I do my laundry, my cooking style, and my parenting style," Anita agonized. "We constantly have fights over what to feed the child. She insists on feeding the baby herself."
But Anita's case is not unique. Many couples who have lived with their parents or grandparents have similar stories to tell. For James, his live-in mother-in-law made it difficult to enforce household rules, such as not eating in bed. "She would condone it, saying, 'It's okay, let children be children; they can munch snacks in bed, I will clean up after them," he recalled.
Marriage therapist Habil Nyangweso attributes the problem to grandparents feeling entitled and believing they must have their way. "By virtue of their age, parents and grandparents are used to having more power and say in such relationships. It's up to their grandsons and daughters to help them understand that they are no longer kids but parents themselves," he said.
However, not all experiences are negative. Some couples have found that living with their parents or grandparents has been beneficial, with the older generation serving as a source of wisdom and guidance. "I have never lived with parents but whenever my kids go visiting, I find their grandparents very resourceful to them. They help with inculcating virtues, teach life skills, and fill the parenting void left by parents when away at work," said Alice.
So, how can couples navigate the challenges of living with senior citizens? Habil advises having a status conference to share parenting values and household rules, and to have regular meetings to iron out any emerging difficulties. "Elders must be treated with extra care and respect, especially mothers-in-law from husband's side for they tend to be very sensitive," he cautioned.
