This archive report was first published on 2 September 2019.
As I searched for a worthy replacement for my old jalopy, I encountered a category of entrepreneurs who call themselves brokers. Their primary goal is to reap from your misfortune, selling anything from aircraft landing gear to reusable baby diapers.
These brokers undergo a complete metamorphosis when they smell a business deal. They begin acting like renowned venture capitalists, changing their phone mannerisms and dressing in a way that exudes discomfort. They carry multiple phones, one of which is as big as a digital billboard, and sound like world-renowned Italian dealers in rare antique models.
Despite their desperation for money, they become cagey and unavailable when you need them most. They add just enough petrol to the car to drive it with a permanent red light, ensuring that the fuel tank runs dry before they arrive at your location. They take you in circles until you happen to be in close proximity, and finally locate them parked outside a bar, drunk.
The photos they send to advertise the car tell a different story from the jalopy they present for viewing. The alloy rims have been harvested and replaced with black iron rims, the tyres look smooth as their lies, and the engine oil is as black as an evil soul. The only thing they haven't changed is the price, still hoping to make a fortune from a metallic contraption barely capable of its own mobility.
When you go to view the car, secondary brokers hover around, distracting you from opening the engine, which looks like the mouth of an old alligator. They haggle viciously, killing both sides of the seller and buyer, focusing on their bottom line. You feel like you're negotiating a multilateral world bank financing agreement for a standard gauge railway line.
When you finally want to close the deal, the coward imposes impossible trading arrangements, convinced that you're a thief sent by his estranged spouse to crumble his thriving automobile trading empire. The secondary brokers want their cut even before you close the deal, and if you're not closing, they still want a viewing fee.
