This archive report was first published on 31 August 2019.
August 31, 2019, marked a significant moment for many individuals in committed relationships, as they grappled with the age-old question: how to handle attraction to others without jeopardizing their partnership.
According to Dr. Samuel Chukwuma Iwar, a certified relationship expert, acknowledging and addressing these feelings is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship.
"This is the most important step because many times people lie to themselves," Dr. Iwar emphasizes. "Acknowledging this truth means you can take the necessary steps to avoid temptation."
Understanding Attraction ¶
Dr. Iwar explains that attraction goes beyond physical appearance, encompassing qualities such as a person's laugh, intelligence, voice, character, or even their business acumen.
"Whatever it is, an attraction is an attraction," he notes. "This is important because many think if it is not physical, then they can hang out and associate themselves with this person without caution. The truth is, unrestrained interaction with someone you are already attracted to in some way would most likely yield more attraction, and for most people, more attraction only makes it harder to cut the person off."
Confronting Attraction ¶
Dr. Iwar advises individuals to have an open conversation with the person in question, explaining their feelings and boundaries.
"You need to CONSCIOUSLY cut down on your interactions with this person," he stresses. "I always tell my clients to have an open conversation about this attraction with the person in question."
He provides an example of how this conversation might unfold: "Hey T, I wanted to discuss something really important with you. I have realised that I am attracted to you in a way that I feel threatens my relationship with my partner. It has got nothing to do with you, but I have decided to cut down on our interactions because I value my relationship. Can you please support me with this?"
Addressing External Attraction ¶
Dr. Iwar also addresses the scenario where another woman, perhaps a colleague, is attracted to an individual despite their warnings.
"If a woman is coming unto a man strongly despite his warnings, it is one of two things," he explains. "First, he is seriously telling her off with his words, and acting the exact opposite with his actions, essentially giving her the ‘green light’ with his behaviour. Secondly, he is not saying it firmly enough, he is still trying to be nice about it and not hurt the woman's feelings instead of putting the feelings of his partner first, because he does not fully understand that this person is a threat to his relationship, or he understands but does not value his relationship."
Dr. Iwar emphasizes the importance of addressing this situation promptly, suggesting that the individual should "nip it in the bud" by being clear and direct about their boundaries.
Partner Involvement ¶
Dr. Iwar stresses the significance of involving one's partner in the conversation, citing the importance of open and honest communication in relationships.
"Of course you tell your partner about the struggle and let her fight it with you," he advises. "This is not up for debate. If you understand the word PARTNER, it should tell you that you are in this together."
