This archive report was first published on 29 July 2019.
Dear Kitoto, thank you for your honest advice. I'm a married woman with two children, and my husband is a good man who treats me with respect. However, I've always dreamed of a man who would show his love through actions, not just words. My husband forgets my birthday, never buys me flowers or chocolate, and rarely says thank you or compliments me. I've lived with this for over 10 years, feeling like I'm putting in all the effort while he does nothing.
I've found a male friend who shows me affection and appreciation, making me feel happy and valued. He wants to take our relationship to the next level, but I'm unsure if I should leave my marriage for a more exciting relationship. If I decide to stay, is there any guarantee that things will change, and I'll feel appreciated as a woman?
According to Dr. Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages, everyone has a primary love language that helps them receive and give love. My husband's love language is likely different from mine, which is why I feel unloved. Dr. Chapman argues that understanding our spouse's love language and acting accordingly can fill their 'love tank.' Currently, my love tank is running on fumes, making me feel unloved.
Dr. Chapman identifies the five love languages as: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Affection, Quality Time, and Gifts. One partner can communicate love through one or more love languages, and one language might be stronger than another. Sadly, people sometimes make their partner communicate in a specific love language that is not their own.
My question is, should I bring up the issue with my husband or wait for him to make the first move? I've been seeing this guy for five months, and we have crushes on each other. We talk like normal friends, pretending to have no intention of progressing the relationship. I'm unsure if I should take the relationship further or wait for him to make the first move.
It's essential to determine what I'm looking for in a relationship and whether this attraction will lead anywhere. A physical attraction is not enough to sustain a stable relationship. I need to ask myself relevant questions, such as what makes me feel this is the right guy for me, how well do I know him, and what are my expectations from this relationship?
Before thinking about who needs to approach who, I need to appreciate that dating is a journey that begins by laying a proper foundation. Attraction and having a crush on someone is just the beginning. I need to be patient and alert, laying a foundation that will become the bedrock on which the relationship rests.
