This archive report was first published on 6 July 2019.
Relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. However, when one partner tries to change the other, it can lead to a toxic and potentially violent dynamic.
Take the case of Lacey Kagwiria, a 34-year-old stay-at-home wife who has been married for five years. On the surface, her marriage appears to be a fairy-tale romance, but behind closed doors, Lacey is struggling to maintain her individuality.
Her husband, James, changed drastically after marriage, forcing Lacey to drop her friends, job, and pursuit of a Master's degree. He expects her to conform to his ideals, including wearing maxi dresses and a headscarf on Sundays, and engaging in missionary-style sex.
But Lacey is not alone in her struggles. Many women find themselves in similar situations, where their partners try to change them to fit their own ideals. This can lead to emotional draining, damage to self-esteem, and even violence.
According to Dr. David Ludden, a professor of psychology, people do not want changes forced down their throats, especially during dating and in the first years of marriage. Ken Munyua, a psychologist based in Nairobi, warns that extreme change can be lethal not only to the individual but also to their family.
One tragic example is the case of Paul Magu, a Nairobi lawyer who killed his wife and children and then committed suicide in 2014. An ongoing court case reveals a man who changed radically and steered his spouse to adapt to his questionable changes.
So, what can women do when faced with a partner who wants to change them? Experts advise finding out about the partner's motive and being aware of the potential dangers of forced change. As Lacey says, 'I only conform because I fear that if I rebel, there will be no peace.'
